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Stories for Reprint
Single with Arthritis
By Petya Stoeva, MARRTC Staff
Alyssa Fox of Port Orchard, Wash., says she looks like a normal 19-year-old girl -- a college student studying to become a sign language interpreter and a part-time nanny who likes to spend her free time with family and friends. Yet, if one looked closer, they would see how tired she often looks, how she takes pills when she's out for dinner and how she walks with a cane even for small distances. And if they ask her, she would tell them that she has juvenile rheumatoid arthritis -- an answer that often draws even more lifted eyebrows.
"It's extremely difficult for a healthy person to understand what a person with a chronic disease is going through. I don't look sick. I look like a normal 19-year-old girl," Fox says. "We get asked a million times a day whether we're telling the truth or not. People don't expect it. Arthritis is not a disease that you would expect a 19-year-old to have."
While Fox has accommodated her condition into daily life, she still has to learn how to approach the dating scene. "The biggest thing is the energy factor," she says. "Whatever is left over doesn't usually go into dating or going to places where you even meet somebody to date. My extra time is taken up more by things like family, friends."
When she finds the energy to go on a date, she is faced with an even bigger question - how much to reveal about the disease and when to tackle the issue."Usually there's something about me that would make them ask me a question and if it isn't, I'll tell them," Fox says. "Otherwise it feels like being untruthful. By the second date I will definitely have told them." She says she has tried to conceal the arthritis from her dates, but has thus made it an even bigger issue later.
Discussing a chronic disease with a new person in their lives is one of the biggest challenges for people living with arthritis, according to Laura Dobozenski, a co-facilitator of an arthritis support group in St. Paul, Minn. "They [single people with arthritis] are hesitant, not always comfortable to bring it up, they're unsure how the person will respond," she says. "It's sometimes easier just not to deal with that."
But to face the fears and insecurities of a new partner, the person with arthritis needs to have come to terms with the disease first, Dobozenski says. "When a single person with arthritis has gone through the grief, the denial, the acceptance and has truly moved on with their life, then they'll be comfortable enough with themselves and will be able to talk to someone special in their life about that," she says. "When they reach that comfort level and have accepted themselves, it comes more natural. The fear of discussing it is no longer there."
Reaching that comfort level requires a lot of work and a good place to start may be a nearby support group, advises Dr. Jackson Rainer, a psychologist in Valdosta, Ga., who counsels individuals and couples with a chronic disease. He finds support groups to be crucial for single people because "it's too much to have to go through alone."
"You need folks in the same boat in order to be able to share experiences," Rainer says.
Arthritis support groups are available in all major metropolitan areas but may be a problem for people in rural communities. For those people Rainer recommends turning to the nearest university or teaching hospital. As a co-facilitator of such a support group, Dobozenski has seen the benefits first hand. "They [participants] seem to kind of blossom from there," she says.
Once a person with arthritis has reached that comfort level and is ready to discuss the disease with a partner, the next challenge is to present it in a way that would be both educational and not intimidating. For Dobozenski, the way to do it is through a casual conversation."Unless the partner asks some specific questions, we don't need to give a whole scary scenario," she says. "Honesty is truly important and sincerity. Reveal the disease little by little. More people are willing to be accepting and help you if you need help but you need to let them know."
For the 19-year-old Fox, the best way to approach dating while taking care of her arthritis is to mention the disease from the start but then forget about it. "I don't want arthritis to be the focus of my life. Arthritis is not who I am, it's just part of who I am," she says. "I don't want it to be the focus of our relationship...It's a normal part of life. I prefer people to treat me like I don't have arthritis."
"Single with Arthritis" is the fourth story of the four-part series "Sexuality with Arthritis."
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